Today is 7 months since the day my mom died. 7 MONTHS not days. March 5, 2016 til today.
At times it feels like 7 long months. 214 days since I have seen my mom, talked to my mom, texted my mom, laughed with my mom, cried with my mom. Even longer if I count the 15 days she was in the hospital before her death.
Sometimes, though, it feels like she died last week. I still remember the last day and those 15 days before like it was yesterday. I can remember little details and yet the 15 days while I was living them were a blur.
Time.
I assume I look normal to most people. Some days I think I do a pretty good job of being (or looking) normal. There are other days (moments really) where I feel like my internal lunacy is easily read on my face.
I miss my mom as much as I did on March 6, 2016. I still cry everyday, but not all day.
I look at the world differently. I am not the same person that I was on the morning of February 19, 2016, the day that I found my mom barely breathing and rushed her to the hospital. The weird thing is how the loss changes how you look around. Because it is not a change in one direction. Sometimes I find I am able to see more beauty in the world, because as I know, life is short, STOP and SEE the beauty. Other times, the world seems really ugly. Because Shitty things happen to good people.
Like a hummingbird. Up and Down. Left and Right. No real pattern. Sometimes no direction and no plan. But maybe there is. All I know is today it has been 7 months and I continue to flutter through life.
Today is just another day. I will be sad and I will be happy. I will see good and I will see bad.
But today I recognize that it has been 7 months since I lost my mom. I am not sure if there will ever be a time when I don't stop on the 5th of the month and count the months.
I guess only time will tell.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
It's all in a name
This is a blog about my journey and grief over the unexpected loss of my mom. The last 6 months in this journey of grief and loss has already changed me and my path. Writing allows me to organize the jumble of thoughts that constantly seem to be swarming in my head.
I don't even know what I want to say. I don't have anything profound to add to the numerous books and blogs about grief already out there. But I am learning that grief is different for everyone and a a blog seemed the best avenue to begin my new path. Some of my thoughts documented in one spot.
The problem is when you start a blog the first thing you have to do is come up with a title. I don't even know yet what I want to say or what thoughts will actually blurt out but since the subject is my grief I kept trying to use the words grief, sadness and loss in the title. But this seemed wrong. Not the real purpose.
My mom loved dragonflies. She loved hummingbirds. She loved all animals actually. I can't say there is one symbol or thing absolutely represents my mom. However, I had a dragonfly tattooed on my wrist after her death. When I see a dragonfly I think of my mom. When I sit in my backyard and watch the hummingbirds drink from the feeders that were once at her home I think of my mom.
When I looked up the symbolism for dragonflies and hummingbirds I knew I had found my answer. Dragonflies and hummingbirds not only represent the beauty that was my mom. They represent the metamorphosis and change that I am currently undergoing due to the loss of my mom and friend.
What does the dragonfly symbol represent? According to numerous websites, the dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.
The Hummingbird? Websites indicate hummingbirds are a spirit animal representing preparation and attention to detail and the need to be prepared for your journeys. Hummingbirds remind you to take your energy into consideration and don't over-extend yourself. The hummingbird meaning reminds us that there are times when you have to make a difficult journey to get to the destination of your goal, there will be obstacles, symbolizing the need for endurance and perseverance. Other websites represent that the hummingbird remind you to look for ways to increase your Joy.
Yes. Exactly. The blog, while on the surface appears to be about grief, loss, sadness. The Journey, this journey I do not want or plan at this tme to be on, actually represents self-realization, change, and an understanding of a new way of life. I need help on the journey. I will go forward and backward and up and down like the flight of a hummingbird. I need to be prepared. Prepared for the ups and downs. I have love and family with me and I am constantly reminded and forced to look for the beauty in the world and always look for Joy even with sadness as a background. I am making a change.
Dragonflies and hummingbirds. That is what this blog is about.
I don't even know what I want to say. I don't have anything profound to add to the numerous books and blogs about grief already out there. But I am learning that grief is different for everyone and a a blog seemed the best avenue to begin my new path. Some of my thoughts documented in one spot.
The problem is when you start a blog the first thing you have to do is come up with a title. I don't even know yet what I want to say or what thoughts will actually blurt out but since the subject is my grief I kept trying to use the words grief, sadness and loss in the title. But this seemed wrong. Not the real purpose.
My mom loved dragonflies. She loved hummingbirds. She loved all animals actually. I can't say there is one symbol or thing absolutely represents my mom. However, I had a dragonfly tattooed on my wrist after her death. When I see a dragonfly I think of my mom. When I sit in my backyard and watch the hummingbirds drink from the feeders that were once at her home I think of my mom.
When I looked up the symbolism for dragonflies and hummingbirds I knew I had found my answer. Dragonflies and hummingbirds not only represent the beauty that was my mom. They represent the metamorphosis and change that I am currently undergoing due to the loss of my mom and friend.
What does the dragonfly symbol represent? According to numerous websites, the dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.
The Hummingbird? Websites indicate hummingbirds are a spirit animal representing preparation and attention to detail and the need to be prepared for your journeys. Hummingbirds remind you to take your energy into consideration and don't over-extend yourself. The hummingbird meaning reminds us that there are times when you have to make a difficult journey to get to the destination of your goal, there will be obstacles, symbolizing the need for endurance and perseverance. Other websites represent that the hummingbird remind you to look for ways to increase your Joy.
Yes. Exactly. The blog, while on the surface appears to be about grief, loss, sadness. The Journey, this journey I do not want or plan at this tme to be on, actually represents self-realization, change, and an understanding of a new way of life. I need help on the journey. I will go forward and backward and up and down like the flight of a hummingbird. I need to be prepared. Prepared for the ups and downs. I have love and family with me and I am constantly reminded and forced to look for the beauty in the world and always look for Joy even with sadness as a background. I am making a change.
Dragonflies and hummingbirds. That is what this blog is about.
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