Today is 7 months since the day my mom died. 7 MONTHS not days. March 5, 2016 til today.
At times it feels like 7 long months. 214 days since I have seen my mom, talked to my mom, texted my mom, laughed with my mom, cried with my mom. Even longer if I count the 15 days she was in the hospital before her death.
Sometimes, though, it feels like she died last week. I still remember the last day and those 15 days before like it was yesterday. I can remember little details and yet the 15 days while I was living them were a blur.
Time.
I assume I look normal to most people. Some days I think I do a pretty good job of being (or looking) normal. There are other days (moments really) where I feel like my internal lunacy is easily read on my face.
I miss my mom as much as I did on March 6, 2016. I still cry everyday, but not all day.
I look at the world differently. I am not the same person that I was on the morning of February 19, 2016, the day that I found my mom barely breathing and rushed her to the hospital. The weird thing is how the loss changes how you look around. Because it is not a change in one direction. Sometimes I find I am able to see more beauty in the world, because as I know, life is short, STOP and SEE the beauty. Other times, the world seems really ugly. Because Shitty things happen to good people.
Like a hummingbird. Up and Down. Left and Right. No real pattern. Sometimes no direction and no plan. But maybe there is. All I know is today it has been 7 months and I continue to flutter through life.
Today is just another day. I will be sad and I will be happy. I will see good and I will see bad.
But today I recognize that it has been 7 months since I lost my mom. I am not sure if there will ever be a time when I don't stop on the 5th of the month and count the months.
I guess only time will tell.
