But looking back now, it is the normal take for granted stuff that I miss the most. It didn't even occur to me really until now, because the communication is gone, how involved we were in each other's lives. Who else, but my mom, would know that I wanted to know when artichokes were on sale. I have lost count of the times that I have actually reached for my phone to send her a quick text when I see something that I need to share with her. I have literally just stared at my phone with tears streaming down my face in the middle of Albertsons because I can't text her to tell her that her favorite Merlot is on sale.
I keep thinking if I could just talk to her one more time. If she could just tell me she was ok. That wherever you end up after this life is good. It's peaceful. She is happy. She can still see us. She knows when Artichokes are on sale. She just can't tell me.
So I started doing what I think a lot of people do when they lose someone close. They look for signs. Signs that my mom is still around me. She can see me. Her new way of communication.
The very first sign I ever received was shortly after her death. I was at this store that she had told me about because they had good prices on what else, wine. It's not my "normal store." I was there to buy wine (what else). As I stood in the checkout line, I looked in a bin nearby and there were hundreds of treat bars with the name JoJo on them. I literally just stared at them and almost felt weak in the knees. I had never ever seen these here before I had never actually ever heard of a bar called a JoJo. But My Mom's nickname, for the last 20 years or so for all the kids in the family, including my kids, was JoJo. This was my mom. I KNEW it. I bought at least 50 of the bars right then, with tears streaming down my face. The clerk thought I was nuts, but I felt happy. I KNEW it was my mom talking to me. She was telling me that she was still here. It was the first time, since her death, that I felt a real communication from my mom. IT FELT REAL.
I have seen and felt many signs since that day. I actually beg for them. I beg my mom. Sometimes I am ignored (or don't see them.) Sometimes, I believe that I get a response. One day, having a particularly hard day, I cried and begged my mom to give me a sign on a decision I was making. The next day, a distant relative emailed me about a "weird" dream she had had the night before. She described the dream where she watched my mom and I talking on a beach. The words she described to me were literally the words that I imagined my mom would be saying to me if we could still sit and discuss this decision. I finalized my decision the next day. It wasn't even a difficult one anymore.
Some of the signs, in my mind, I know are probably just me reaching Friends sending me statues saying that it reminded them of my mom and they had to buy it. Not knowing that I had taken the very same statue from my mom's house and had it next to my bed. On the first night of 2017 (was so ready to get the bad taste of 2016 off my tongue), the star and moon lined up perfectly in my mom's favorite position. The same symbol that she had tattooed on her calf. For Christmas, my Aunt went to her favorite nature center to get me a t-shirt. The normal t-shirts that she went to get that day were not there. Instead, that day, there were t-shirts about the meaning of a Dragonfly. Seriously. She had been in this store a million times. And that day, the t-shirts were about Dragonflies. My Mom.
It could be a coincidence. My Mind says of course that is what it is. But, doesn't it make life easier without your loved one to believe, and I mean truly believe, that they are signs. That in the only way she can, my mom is communicating.
However, grief is not that easy. While the signs do bring some happiness in that moment and for a few after, the happiness doesn't really last. Grief is not an upward progression. You don't come out of it because you get a sign one day. Some days, thinking about these signs actually makes me more sad. Because seriously, I went from daily communication to this? A sign, that may or may not be a sign. A sign that I am wishing with all my might is my mom, but really could just be life. The natural stage of the star and the moon, a store manager randomly ordering JoJo bars or Dragonfly t-shirts.
I guess it all depends on your frame of mind that day. No, That moment. It certainly makes going on with life easier believing these are really signs. If I didn't believe the signs, I would have to live with the fact that I really have literally been cut off from all communication from my mom. Forever. So I will continue to beg and look for these signs. I will let my heart, not my doubting mind, win this war. My mom can still talk to me. The Signs are her.
Even though I still don't have a mom. I still don't have anyone texting me that artichokes are on sale.
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