Sometimes I actually cry because there is no one left in the world who loves me more then life itself. This probably sounds horrible. I have a husband who loves me. A lot, I think. Two kids who definitely love and need me. But, when I lost my mom, lets be honest, I lost the one person in the world who loved me the most.
I know this because I am a mom. I would walk out my front door in front of a speeding car to save their lives. Most moms I know would do the same. Dads too. But somehow it is not the same. Why do you think Mom Guilt is a real thing We tend to worry about everything for our kids. We worry about their health, their friends, their social well being, whether they get the part they want on the basketball, baseball, soccer team, school play. Whether we hover too much or too less. Whether they have too much homework or not enough. I have actually cried with my daughter as she was crying about a mean girl at school. Dad's love their kids but somehow they (usually) don't get as enmeshed. We moms are a certain kind of crazy and crazy love.
My mom loved me. I know that with every fiber of my being. And on top of normal mom love my Mom and I were especially close. It was just the two of us for a long time. And even when I grew up through those cranky teenage years I STILL liked hanging with my mom. So did my friends. She was a parent, but she was my friend. I actually still liked going out to eat and to a movie with my mom. And then I grew up and we became even better friends, best friends. We had fun together. We laughed a lot. We shared a sense of humor that is hard to find.
When I was 40+ years old and sick my mom would still bring me soup and magazines. She would call or text me at least 2x a day just "to see how I was feeling." When I was sad or down, she knew that too. She would call and talk to me about stupid stuff, The Bachelor or football, just to cheer me up. THEN She would ask if I was ok. I ALWAYS ALWAYS knew I could rely on my mom. She would always be there. It is kind of nice getting through this thing called life knowing that you have a person on your side who will always have your back. Someone who would change their whole life for you. Who would cry with worry and praise with love more then anyone. Who walk in front of a speeding car if need be.
When my mom died I felt like a piece of me had been torn out. I mean literally, physically, felt like a piece of ME had been torn out. I still feel a hole. I still have my family and friends. But deep down in my heart I lost the person who loved me more then anything in the whole wide world. As I met friends of my moms at her celebration of life, usually the first words out of their mouths, was your mom LOVED you so much. The second words were she loved her Grandkids so much. All she did was talk about you and those kids.
It is hard to explain this loss to others. Because it doesn't mean that I don't feel loved. Or that my husband, kids, friends and extended family don't love me a LOT. But the loss of my mom left a void that is pretty big. Losing the person who loved you most in the world is irreplaceable. And life changing. Not in a good way. It feels scary, actually. And kind of lonely. Even when surrounded by a bunch of people who love you. This is the stuff no one really tells you.
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